Never go back
by Loufoca
Summary: Can they really go back to life as it was before the planet? Captain Janeway thinks she can but Commander Chakotay doesn't agree. (OS)
**Hi everyone,**

 **This is my first Star Trek Voyager story. I'm currently rewatching the series and I'm amazed at how good it was. I'm really a fan of Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay, so fair warning: there is going to be some (lots of?) romance involved.**

 **This one-shot is set up after Season 2 episode "Resolutions", aka the episode where Chakotay and Janeway are left behind on a planet because of an unknown virus. They have just been rescued and cured with the Vidiian serum and have resumed life on board as normal - almost. (I know that many things happened after that but I just watched the episode again and the story came to me)**

 **I don't own Star Trek Voyager and I don't make money from this story. I want to thank my wonderful Lupinette for correcting my mistakes!**

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 **Never go back**

Kathryn Janeway was exhausted. The day had been long since she had rejoined Voyager after being cured and beamed out of the planet. Everyone in the crew had wanted to welcome her in person, to talk to her, to run past her some ideas or thoughts. She hadn't had the chance to be alone and think.

It was very late now and she knew that she should get some sleep but her mind was too active, even if her body was desperately asking for a break. Decided to at least try to rest, she put her nightgown on and realized that it smelled like the planet: a mix of grass and fresh pine. For some reason, it made her sad. It would be her first night outside of the refuge that they had built. Her first night without the distant snoring in the next room. Her first night truly alone.

She was brushing her hair when someone rang the bell of her door. She was tempted to ignore the call, to pretend that she was already asleep, but her duty as Captain was stronger than her need for rest. Someone in her crew needed her and no matter what time it was she had to respond.

'Come in!'

The door opened on Commander Chakotay, who froze when he saw her in her nightgown.

'I'm sorry Captain. I didn't know you were already asleep. I'll come back tomorrow…'

'It is not necessary Chakotay, I'm still awake. Come in,' she repeated.

The man hesitated, then let himself in. As the door was closing behind him, Kathryn could see that he looked uncomfortable. She too felt less sure of herself, now very aware of her attire. She walked towards her bed and grabbed her robe. She turned to her Commander, who was still standing in the middle of the room, and waved him to take a seat at the coffee table.

'What brings you here at this hour?' she asked, draping herself in the robe and taking a seat in front of him.

Chakotay looked even more uncomfortable. He opened his mouth and spoke slowly, as if choosing his words carefully.

'I couldn't sleep and I thought that perhaps you were… facing the same problem.'

She was indeed but she was not prepared to tell anyone that she had been intentionally delaying the moment she went to bed because she was afraid to spend her first night alone in weeks.

'After all this time on the planet, our circadian rhythm is probably encountering issues to readjust to Voyager's clock. It will pass.'

She was aware that she sounded very clinical, almost indifferent, but it was necessary. They had spent too much time together, had grown too close. She couldn't allow herself to keep on going this way, now that they were back to being Captain and Commander of the ship. It was too dangerous.

Chakotay looked hurt by her tone but he had no choice than to agree: 'If you say so. I guess… I should go back to my quarters then.'

It was the last thing she wanted him to do, but she knew that it was what Starfleet protocol dictated. A Captain and a Commander should not spend personal time together so late at night. No matter how many times they used to burn the oil talking about various things when they were on the planet. It would open the door to gossips, if that hadn't already started the minute they came back on board. People were probably wondering what happened on the planet.

They would not believe that she and Chakotay hadn't gone further than holding hands. Once. After he had told her how important she was to him. She had tried to keep her distances, establish boundaries to their relationship, in vain. The truth was that night she had been very close to throw away all rules and accept that there was no leaving the planet. Or him. What would have happened if they had had another day? Another week? Another month?

Chakotay got up and walked towards the door, and she did nothing to hold him back. However, he stopped in the middle of the room and turned back to her.

'I am a man of habits. I got used to be able to talk to you, laugh with you, see you all the time. It is going to be harder than I thought to change that.'

His gaze was burning her inside. She had to gather all her courage to reply: 'I know but we cannot go on the same way we used to on the planet. It wouldn't be wise.'

'Are you afraid the crew will think less of you if we…?'

He didn't finish his sentence. He didn't need to.

'I'm afraid I will forget my promise to bring us all home,' she admitted. 'I almost forgot it back there. I almost didn't want them to rescue us. I was selfish. I cannot be selfish anymore.'

'Wanting to be happy is not selfish.'

Slowly, he walked back to her.

'It is, when you are the Captain of Voyager,' she replied, hoping he would stop. Stay away. Not tempt her.

However, Chakotay seemed to listen to every unspoken feelings she had and took a seat again, this time right beside her. She tried to avoid his eyes but it turned out to be impossible. There was too much honesty in him, too much trust, she didn't want to hurt him even if she knew she had to.

'Commander…' she started, decided to nip in the bud any attempt at fraternization.

'Kathryn,' he countered. Just her name. It made her silent. 'I know that you are torn by this situation and that none of this could have been foreseen by any Starfleet protocol. I know that we should just go back to how we were before, but I also know it is impossible. Maybe if we have been rescued after a few days… Now, we can't'

'We don't have a choice!' She hoped her voice was strong enough. She knew it wasn't.

'This is the Delta Quadrant. We do have a choice. The choice to live all our life in regret or not. You know there's every chance we won't get back to the Alpha Quadrant in our lifetime.'

She didn't have anything to reply to that. If Voyager didn't find a way to shorten the journey, she'd be dead before reaching Earth. Mark would be long gone. And she would spend the rest of her life chasing a dream that she would not be able to enjoy. However…

'I cannot show the crew that I've lost hope. I still believe that we can find our way home sooner that later.'

'And what if we do? Will you go back to your old life? To Mark?'

This was such an unfair question! It made her so angry that she just managed to get her reply out of her lips: 'And what about you? Would you go back to the Maquis? Would we be enemies again? I am not the only one who had a life before Voyager!'

Chakotay closed his eyes and briefly smiled. 'You remember my story, Kathryn? The warrior never goes back to his tribe. He knows who brings him the peace he needs. He will stay with her until he dies.'

As he reopened his eyes and stared at her, she found it hard to return his gaze. Yes, he had said that. There was no return for him, he had made the decision to stay with her whether they returned to Federation space or not.

'Chakotay…'

She found it hard to continue. He probably sensed it because he put his left hand over hers and gave her an encouraging squeeze.

'I agree that we can't go back to what we were before,' she admitted, finally convinced. 'But I cannot move on either. It's… too much. Too soon.'

He smiled again. 'It's not different from our situation on the planet then.'

There too she needed time. There too she didn't know what to make of his openness. She had always been more complicated than him.

'I suppose it isn't,' she said, returning his smile. 'I suppose here too I need to let go.'

'It's alright Kathryn. Take all the time you need. I'll always be here.'

That simple answer brought peace in her for the first time since they had left the planet. She turned her hand and interlaced her fingers with his, much the same way they had done back then. They stared at each other for a long time before he broke off the contact and declared:

'I should go.'

As disappointed as she felt, she knew that he was right. If this was going to work, she needed to listen to herself and move step by step. Reluctantly, she let go of his hand.

'Good night,' she said, as he stood up.

He smirked and bended towards her.

'Good night Kathryn,' he whispered in her ear, causing her to shiver. His warm breath made her feel suddenly very cold.

He finally walked out, leaving her shaking. As the door closed behind him, she allowed the air to exit her lungs.

There was no way she could see him only as her second in command now. He had woken up feelings and sensations in her that she hadn't known since her early dating with Mark. Even then, it hadn't had this delicious taste of danger.

Restless, she got up and went back to her mirror to finish brushing her hair, but her mind kept getting back to him. How he massaged her neck once. How his hands had felt on her. How it would feel again if only she let him.

Frustrated, she put her brush back on her chest of drawers and stared at herself in the mirror. Yes, she would never be able to go back to the cold and distant Captain she had been during those two years. She was more than that.

The question was… How was she supposed to find any sleep now?

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 **I hope you enjoyed this. I always thought that after this episode, Janeway and Chakotay might have had a hidden relationship. Too bad it didn't happen in the series.**

 **Don't hesitate to review! English is not my first language so any comment / advice would be really appreciated :)**

 **Thanks!**

 _ **Loufoca**_


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